EMISSARY OF HUMANITY
TWELFTH AND A HALF STREET,
APARTMENT SEVENTY BEE,
MANCHESTER,
PLANET MERCURY
FroM:
THE DESK OF PILOT
TRAIN DEPOTS,
CITY OF EUREKA,
PLANET EARTH
DEAR PRINCESS CAPTAIN,
I HAVE TRIED ASKING FOR A TICKET REFUND, BUT THE FAT CONDUCTOR REFUSES TO GIVE IT TO ME. HE TOLD ME TO GO TO THE TICKET DESK.
"NO REFUNDS, TICKET SALE DESK IS CLOSED, COME BACK TOMORROW AT 8:00 AM," THE TICKET DESK SAYS IN A MONOTONE, ECHOEY, REPEATORY VOICE.
"BUT I AM THIRSTY FOR ADVENTURE!" I SAYS AND BANGS ON THE DESK.
THE REPEATORY VOICE NAGS THE SAME TUNE BACK AT ME, REFUSING TO COLLABORATE.
"WAIT UNTIL CAPTAIN HEARS ABOUT THIS!" I SAYS TO HIMS. "AN EMPLOYEE OF CAPTANIA SUCH AS MYSELF SHOULD NOT BE STUFFLED BY THE LIKES OF YOU! I HAS NOT TIME FOR DILLY-DALLYINGS! YOU BEST GIVES ME A NEW TICKET OR I WILL WRITE YOU UP!"
"...COME BACK TOMORROW AT 8:00 AM" THE VOICE REPLIES.
I PULL OUT THE BOOK OF COMPLAINTS AND AND WRITE THE FOLLOWING INTO IT:
-===-
DEAR TRAIN STATION DIRECTOR,
THE BEHAVOER OF THE TICKET SALES PERSON IS SIMPLY HEIGHLY INCONSIDERATE! AS A FELLOW CUSTOMER I AM APPAULTED AND DISJOINTED BY SUCH FINITE DISRESPECTS! YOU BEST REDUCE THEIR SALARIES 1.4% BECAUSE THEY NEED TO LEARN SOME STACKABLE MANNERS!
ALSO, YOU NEED TO GET A NEW BOOK OF COMPLAINTS, BECAUSE THIS ONE HAS NO PEN AND IS IN AN APPALLING CONDITION (FALLING APART/STAINED). IT TOOK ME 4.3 HOURS TO DISCOVER A PEN AT YOUR TRAIN STATION AND ANOTHER 3.24 MINUTES TO MAKE IT WORK FOR THE INK WAS MOST STUFFLY AND HARD.
ALSO, YOUR TOILETS DON'T FLUSH PROPERLY, BUT INSTEAD MAKE A LOUD GURGLING NOISE. I ASSUME THEY ARE HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE.
PLEASE ADDRESS THESE ISSUES OF IMPORTANCE, LEST YOU LOSE THIS CUSTOMER.
SINCERELY,
PILOT
-===-
AS I FINISHED WRITING MY WEIGHTLY COMPLAINT THE SALES DESK GAVE ME A 2.4 STAR RATING AS CUSTOMER AND CLOSED ITS SHUTTERS. I WAS MOST PERTURBED BY THIS INSUFFICIENT RATING AND BANGED ON THE SHUTTERS FOR A WHILE DEMANDING A RE-EVALUATION.
THE SUN IS SETTING AND I DON'T LIKE THE DARK MUCHLY.
PLEASE SEND A NIGHT-LIGHT,
SINCERELY,
MOST COOPERATIVELY,
WITH INVALUABLE RESPECTS,
YOUR MOST ACCEPTABLE EMPLOYEE,
Pilot seems to have an uncanny ability to bring up exact percentages without the use of a calculator, an ability which I lack. Maybe the "Most Acceptable Employee" would like to share this trick with me some time?
YOU WANT SUPER COMPUTING ABILITIES? YOU WANT ENHANCED BODY APPENDAGES THAT WILL BRING YOU SUPER-HUMAN STRENGTH? YOU WANT NIGHT VISION AND ZOOMING CAPABILITIES TO YOUR OCULAR INPUT?
THE DEX UPGRADE PROGRAM GIVES YOU ALL OF THAT AND MORE.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BRING US YOUR DAMAGED BODY AND WE WILL UPGRADE IT FOR YOU.
BECOME A DEX NOW!
Free for vital organ injuries, 19.35% off for missing non-vital body parts, 3.22% off for each 20cm² of damaged skin (does not apply for missing organs), no discount for flesh wound. No refunds for failed upgrades. To locate the nearest DEX repair facility, follow this <link href="http://bit.ly/1mO1c9w";>link</link>. May cause partial or total memory loss. For more information on your debt to the G-Directory, see the <link href="http://bit.ly/1JH9gh6";>DEX indefinite work contract</link>.
After my failed attempt of vaulting over "Spicy's" counter at the train station I decided to get out of there before I was removed from the station. Actually I began to run to find myself a get away train. It was time I found a place to steel for the night anyways. The station had closed down with my hiding under a seat until all employment had left. Now I could get the next ride to where every I needed to fly to. Ya right. I was just fooling my self. There's nothing for me to head for. I wasnt being chased. . . I wasnt even at spicy. . . I had snatched this spot early before anyone knew I was here. Oh and this wasn't a "Crunchy bar" I found either at Spicy's. Don't be dumb dumb. No one likes dumb dumb. It's only cute once. I sighed. "I guess we'll make it last the rest of our lives", I spoke to myself. "I guesd I'll eat it now!"
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"I ASSUME THEY ARE HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE."
Pilot is so perfect.