September something something...
Sadly this chip is only good for recording and not for playback.
I've definitely long lost track of time, traveling with Captain, Pilot and our new recruit Engie (as an added bonus) from one part of the dead mega-continental city to another.
It's probably not even September, but most likely October. Anyway it doesn't really matter, because it's always cold thanks to nuclear winter and it's always either snowing or "ashening" with rare instances of sunlight breaking through the thick, gloomy, black clouds overhead.
I've made many mistakes in my past, and I don't have much to look forward in the future, but yet I keep living for some reason, even if that reason is Captain's continuous entertainment or Pilot's continuous enmity.
Everyday before I fall asleep I think of what horrible things the Captain and Pilot will do tomorrow.
This week the bastards kept dressing me up in ridiculous outfits (while I sleep) to give me a "GRAND PERSONALITY MAKEOVER!".
Where do they even find the time to dig up so many intact costumes?
Yesterday I woke up all dressed up like an old lady and Captain addressed me as "AUNTIE SNIPPEY". Then there was "CLOWN SNIPPEY", "SUPER-MAN-SNIPPEY" and "ZOMBIE SNIPPEY". "ZOMBIE SNIPPEY" consisted of simply throwing dirt on me and running away screaming "THE ZOMBIES ARE RISING! HE HAS TURNED! DEFEND YOURSELVES!" and ended up with me getting hit on the head with a blunt object at the end of the day.
I've learned to wrap a bunch of cloths on my head under the hood of the jacket so it doesn't hurt as much.
The worst was probably "FIREMAN SNIPPEY" where I wake up to screams "LA LA LA LA LA. ALL FIREMEN REPORT TO STATIONS! THERE'S A FIRE ON 12TH AND BROADWAY!".
That one time Captain even lit my shoe on fire to "SIMULATE THE URGENCY OF THE SITUATION".
However this apparently wasn't realistic/stressful/urgent enough, so on the next day Captain actually somehow lit an entire skyscraper on fire and tried to shove me inside screaming "SAVE THE CHILDREN! WHY WON'T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!". Thank god my G-Directorate issue Officer uniform is fireproof.
It's like my sanity and humility are being tested. If I could I would totally strangle... no that would be far too easy and then I would be completely alone, or even worse.. left to babysit Pilot.
Does the director of this madness ever sleep? I would try to pay attention, but I've been too busy trying to survive to notice. Everyday I find less and less food and most of the canned stuff is horribly expired, so every can is a guess and gamble where winning is not throwing up. I tried to catch Captain off guard, but no, apparently that's impossible. Before I close my eyes the Captain's tall form hovers over me, and whenever I open them in the morning it is still there in the same spot, hovering, standing guard over me, looming.
Is it possible to sleep standing up? The looming gets quite spooky at times, really, even though I should have gotten used to it by now. Sometimes I suspects that Captain does sleep horizontally, but leaves a "dummy" form to stand over me for purposes of confusing and irritating me.
Or how about this? To wake me up, every god damn time Captain tries to use a different loud noise. There was the "SCREAMING RANDOM NONSENSE" day, "AIR-HORN" day, "BROKEN PIANO", "BANJO", "VUVUZELA" day, "GARBAGE BINS", "SINGING BADLY" and "SAXOPHONE". Okay... I admit the saxophone wasn't terrible, Captain gave me a pleasant surprise there by playing an actual tune in synch with Pilot's tuba.
Our last batteries were wasted playing "NYAN CAT" on a micro-player, over and over and over in an endless loop. After only a weeks of this nonsense, I had to "eliminate" the micro-player in an "unfortunate accident".
One time I woke up from terrible vibrations. I'm pretty sure Pilot helped with this one- they stuffed my sleeping body into a shopping cart to recreate a scene from "Jackass" poster that they've found somewhere.
It sucks being the only person left alive with common sense.
That's right- that includes Engie. He's extremely afraid of the most mundane things such as unexpected sounds or snow, or sunlight spots.
At least I don't have to clean up after them - they can break all the things they want and trash whatever they want. We have to keep constantly moving anyway, to find new sources of food and uncontaminated water.
Breaking things is probably Captain and Pilot's favorite hobby. Once they started "THE SECOND WAR AGAINST EVERY TRAFFIC LIGHT IN EXISTENCE"
there was no stopping them. Captain even made me write a "treaty", that was personally narrated out-loud and then had me deliver the said treaty to the "enemy", the enemy being as you might have already guessed... a bloody traffic light. Why am I doing these things for Captain, you ask? Mostly because if I don't obey "Captain's orders", Pilot will take away my rifle by force, or snatch er' while I sleep, and I don't enjoy being without my rifle since the mutated wild-life is never friendly.
Pilot can't aim as well as me, I'll tell you that much. Also, there are vague threats of "MICROWAVING"
all my possessions if I disobey, although I am entirely not sure where Pilot expects to find a fully functional microwave.
It probably means breaking all my stuff and dancing on it, or possibly starting a series of small fires. Sometimes, I hear Pilot mumbling under his breath about dislocating me because Captain trusts me too much and that I am "NOT WORTHY OF DANCING IN THE GRAND MASTER'S DIVINE SHADOW".
Surprisingly enough, Pilot's "Captain-time stealing envy" has not transferred onto Engie. Instead, Pilot simply wobbles his head at our "new intern" like an owl, as if unable to decide whether to be threatened by him or to threaten him.
Perhaps Pilot even assumes Engie's a girl as he calls him "NURSE ANGIE" to which Engie just makes grunting disapproval noises.
Just now Pilot managed to chase Engie inside by demanding:
"MISSS-TRESSS ANGIE... WHAT TYPE OF FRUITS DO YOU PREFER? CAN YOU TAKE A LOOK AT MY RIGHT EYE? IT'S BEEN RATHER DISOBEDIENT THESE DAYS!"
Captain treats Engie like lord would a most lowly peasant, always bossing him around. I don't feel too bad about that however, as Captain's attention and pranks (that are generally focused on me) have decreased ever so slightly since Engie's joined us.
Excuse me, a purple, flying shark just tried to lope my face off. Looks like some jackass tied air balloons to a crawler worm-monster, making it levitate. There was a note attached to it that said "HELLO, MY NAME IS PHOTOSHOP. FEED ME SNIPPY."
...I definitely did not expect this, although I feel like I should have known better and looked forward to it.
What are you looking forwards to?
Hugs and love to all our DELICIOUS PATRONS
Art Director: Vitaly S Alexius
Plus Most Radioactive hugs to: Sol4rplexus
For help with comic text.
13th May 2012
Tagged in Captain Pilot Snippy Biomatrix