I managed to construct a sled out of junk, so now I no longer have to carry all the things in a massive backpack that threatens to snap my spine in half.
You'd think that Captain or Pilot would be a slight bit helpful in carrying things, but no. Captain refuses to carry anything heavy because "CARRYING STOLEN SUPPLIES IS MOST UNDIGNIFIED!" and "THESE ARE YOUR BURDENS!" and Pilot refuses to do anything I ask because I am not Captain, AKA "FIRST LADY OF THE UNIVERSE". I'm beginning to suspect that Pilot's juvenile behavior/overbearing idolization of Captain is just the tip of the iceberg of massive psychological trauma.
Thus, a makeshift, slightly lopsided sled was my solution to the pressing problem of accumulating items that are most necessary to our survival.
Captain praised me for "MOST MARVELOUS TRIUMPH OF FESTIVELY-SLIPPY-LOCOMOTION-CARRIAGE" and declared me as "THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" which has earned me nothing but Pilot's enmity.
Pilot keeps trying to steal the sled for purposes of "UTTER DESTRUCTION OF YOUR PITIFUL ACCOMPLISHMENT!", or "TO USE IT FOR SLEDDING OFF THE TALLEST GARBAGE PILE AROUND!", with potential "BONUS POINTS FOR ACCOMPLISHING BOTH AT THE SAME TIME!".
After "a stern talking to" failed, I attached a cow-bell to the sled. "Now," I thought, "it will jingle loudly if he tries to carry it off." Unfortunately, the ringing got rather annoying, I quickly found out. I tried to take the bell off, but Captain had taken a liking to the ringing and attached two bells to it while I was sleeping. With each passing day the number of bells tied to the sled increased exponentially, no matter what I attempted. I tried cutting the bells off and throwing them away into a deep snow crevasse. I tried burning them. I tried crushing them. Nothing worked. The number of bells grew with each destructive campaign of mine.
Where did they keep getting all of these god-damn bells from?
Pilot would vanish pretty often, so I assumed he was either wasting all his time scavenging the wasteland for bells or was building Captain another horribly disfigured shrine-statue.
Eventually I just gave up on fighting the bell-war and nearly right away Captain gave up on sticking more bells to the sled. Perhaps their whole plan was to mess with me.
Perhaps they ran out of bells, or maybe the sled had no more places to tie bells to.
I sincerely hope that I will not wake up one morning with the tip of my mask painted red with plastic deer horns super-glued to my head. Oh, who am I kidding, it's going to happen anyway. Captain is already calling me "TURDOLPH, THE GRUMPY-REINDEER".
During the time I've been pulling the sled, Captain has got into the habit of perverting Christmas songs, such as:
"ZEE CAPTAIN IS COMING TO TOWN BY.
YOU BUT-TER LOOK OUT
YOU BUT-TER NAUGHT DIE
BUT-TER NOT POUTINE
I'M TELLING YOU WHY!
CA-APTAIN IS COMING TO TOWN!
UND MAKING A LIST.
UND CHECKING IT THRWICE!"
With Pilot chiming in:
"SNIPPY'S GOT COAL IN HIS SHOES, BECAUSE HE IS NOT NICE!"
Once, distracted with shaking pieces of coal out of my boots, I failed to notice that Captain and Pilot had climbed a small ruined house nearby and were trying to shove our bags of canned foods down the chimney.
"WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING?" I shouted at them.
"JUST THINK OF ALL THE LITTLE GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS!" Captain responded.
"YEAH, SNIPPY. YOU'RE SO INCONSIDERATE TO NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN!" Pilot flapped his arms rapidly, nearly falling off the icy roof.
"What? Children? Stop that RIGHT now!" I yelled.
"WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT OF JOLLINESS?" inquired Captain, trying to shove a bag three sizes too big to fit down the chimney.
"YEAH! START CELEBRATING CAPTAINMAS AND BEING MERRY, OR ELSE!" Pilot shook his fist too vigorously this time and lost his balance, slipping and plummeting off the roof into the snow below.
I stared at his feet wiggling robustly back and forth from the snow-bank, sighed and went inside the house to collect our bags out of the fireplace. Inside the house I was met with a most eerie scene: a family of skeletons positioned on mold-eaten couches around a badly burned pointy branch that somewhat resembled a Christmas tree. The branch was covered in pieces of cut-out tinfoil stars and had a drawing of Captain's face on the top with angel wings.