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статья ___39


TO: THE DEPARTMENT OF GRAVITATIONAL SERVICES
FROM: CAPTAIN, OVERLORD OF CAPTAINIA
SUBJECT: OFFICIAL COMPLAINT AGAINST CURRENT GRAVITATIONAL SERVICES


=========

RECENTLY THE BOTHERSOME AND BACKWARDS GRAVITATION SYSTEM AROUND HERE HAS CRAMPED MY CONSUMATIVE STYLE! AS WE ALL KNOW, THERE IS NO WRONG CONFIGURATION FROM WHICH TO CONSUME TEA. THIS IS A SIMPLE AND INDELIBLE FACT OF THE MULIVERSE. YET THE GRAVITATION MEDDLES WITH MY EVERY ATTEMPT TO ENJOY MY BEVERAGE.
I AM A MOST FORGIVING AND GENEROUS SORT. IF THIS HAD BEEN A SINGLE IMPERTINENCE I WOULD HAVE OVERLOOKED SUCH INDIGNITY. ALAS, TIS NOT TO BE! MANY OTHER SUCH INCIDENTS HAVE BEEN FOISTED UPON ME. I MUST THEREFORE TAKE ACTION.
TO NAME A FEW OF THESE OFFENSES:
JUST THE OTHER DAY, YOUR SERVICES ABSOLUTELY DRIZZLED UPON MY EFFORTS TO LAUNCH MY SLED IN A LINEAR DIRECTION OFF A MOST IDEAL RAMPING MOUNTAINSIDE, INSTEAD BOSSILY DEMANDING A PARABOLIC PATTERN WHICH DID NOT AGREE WITH MY SLED.

I SIMPLY CANNOT TOLERATE THIS TREATMENT, BOTH ON MY BEHALF AND ON THE BEHALVES OF MY MINIONS.

I LOST THE USE OF MY LOYAL PILOT FOR A WHOLE TWO WEEKS DUE TO A WHOLLY PREVENTABLE GRAVITY ERROR. A GRAVITY WELL THAT HAD NO BUSINESS LOITERING AT A STREET CORNER ACCOSTED HIM AND TWIRLED HIM ABOUT FOR A FULL WEEK. HE WAS TOO DIZZY TO PROPERLY CARRY OUT MISSIONS FOR ANOTHER WEEK AFTER THAT!

DRINKING THE ENTIRE GRAVITY WELL WAS DELICIOUS, BUT STILL A TASK FAR BELOW A PERSON OF MY ESTEEM. I AM GLAD MY STRAW WAS UP TO DRINKING THIS MUCH GRAVITY. THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE DRIVEN ME TO—TRAINING MY LOYAL STRAW TO CONSUME YOUR UNRULY GRAVITONS.

THEN THERE WAS THE MATTER OF THE TIME I PLAYED “THE STREETS ARE LAVA”. IT’S A MOST REFRESHING GAME, BOUND TO UNLOCK THE BONUS LEVELS OF MY INNER CHILD. YET MY INNER CHILD WAS SURELY WEEPING WHEN THE GRAVITY DENIED MY REQUEST TO JUMP FROM THE FORTIETH FLOOR OF ONE BUILDING TO THE SEVENTIETH FLOOR OF ITS NEIGHBOR, DESPITE MY MOST SPRINGY JUMPING.
PILOT HOLLERED AND HOLLERED AS THE ERRANT GRAVITY HAD ITS WICKED WAY, AND EVEN SNIPSTER LOOKED A BIT UNSETTLED. MAYBE HE JUST HAD INDIGESTION. THEY WERE RIGHT TO BE OFF-KILTERED—I HAD SCUFFED MY BOOTS RATHER HORRIBLY. PLENTY OF SHINING FOR PILOT TO DO!
AND TO THINK I FOUND A MOST STUBBORN DUMBBELL INSISTING UPON INCREASING ITS MASS AT AN EXPONENTIAL RATE TO “challenge the strongest arms!”. IT WAS ON THE FAST TRACK TO BECOMING A BLACK HOLE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD DO TO PROPERTY VALUES AROUND HERE? I HAD TO LABEL IT WITH MY BEST CHALK AT A RESPECTABLE NINETY POUNDS TO GET IT TO DECIDE UPON A WEIGHT.

OTHER MISBEHAVING ACCOUTREMENTS HAVE NEEDED SOME DISCIPLINE AS WELL. A SUITCASE THAT DECREASED GRAVITY FOR “greatest ease of carrying” WAS LEVITATING ENTIRE CITY BLOCKS; I HAD TO PUT IT IN ITS PLACE BY DUCT-TAPING IT TO AN ORNERY BOWLING BALL THAT WOULDN’T STOP INCREASING ITS GRAVITY.



AND EVENT BEFORE THAT, THERE WAS AN INCIDENT WITH THE AIR CONVEYANCE I TOOK WITH PILOT UPON A LONG-AGO TIME. THE UNCIVILIZED GRAVITATION DROPPED US DOWN MOST UNGENTLY, IN CLEAR VIOLATION OF MY FIRST CLASS TICKETS AND HIGH-CLASS ACCOUTREMENTS.

IS THIS HOW AN ESTEEMED LEADER AND LOYAL CUSTOMER IS TO BE TREATED?
I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO RATE YOUR SERVICES MOST SCATHINGLY.IF YOU DO NOT GET YOUR GRAVITONS INTO LINE, THE PLANET WILL LIKELY COME APART ALTOGETHER IN THE FUTURE. THEN I WILL BE FORCED TO SEIZE THE MEANS OF ATTRACTION!

YOURS,
CAPTAIN, ESTEEMED AND BELOVED LEADER OF ALL CAPTAINIA
=========


Спасибо за помощь:


Hugs and love to all our DELICIOUS PATRONS

Art Director:

Vitaly S Alexius

Journal Writer:

Kaitlin Gossett

Journal sketch:

Anupatten

17th April 2011

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101 Комментарии:
 
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2 years ago #9328836        
1

0

 

ya know, they should put upvote buttons for comments



5 years ago #8477422        
1

0

 

All the fingers are there, you just have to look closely. So says the Captain. :D



Hasrax

13 M
9 months ago #9534287        
0

0

 

I guess logic finally found Zee Captain since what he normally does doesn't really follow the laws of phisics. Putting a nuke in his pocket, Not budging from a blast wave etc.



1 year ago #9448583        
0

0

 

Stay thirsty my minions!



Griff

15 M
2 years ago #9431889        
0

0

 

I don't always drink tea, but when I do I drink it LIKE A BOSS!!!



4 years ago #8928152        
0

0

 

woo



Takeshi

24 M
4 years ago #8856447        
0

0

 

Skeleton Boy asks,"Zee Captein, how doth thou drink "lik' ah boss" ?"
Zee Captein replies,"Watch."



4 years ago #8731577        
0

0

 

Dont judge zee Caption, never question him, its so much easier to go along with it.



5 years ago #8589984        
0

0

 

I could use a cup of tea now... DAMNIT



5 years ago #8580373        
0

0

 

I asked that same thing not too long ago... Old women bother me...if you know what I mean.



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