ENTRY 180__15 - HUMAN SUBJECT CHARLES SNIPPY - PERSONAL ID 04477645.
I must be finally slipping towards delusion, because I was actually kind of stoked. Humans! Sane humans like me! Maybe they had running water. My God, maybe I could take an actual shower!
They swarmed around me, keeping their weapons trained on my face. I was too rattled by a day of being chased by mutant monstrosities, stalked by mechanized wraiths and having guns pointed at me to take it like a man.
“Hey, watch it!” I yelped as one of them twisted my arms behind my back and tied my hands.
“I’m an endangered species!” I shouted, hoping for a better treatment from fellow human beings.
That just got me tied to a chair.
A chair located directly under a working lightbulb! A LIGHTBULB! I strained my neck upward, looking at the lightbulb admiring it with absolute happiness. The lightbulb flickered and buzzed ever so slightly. They definitely must have running water! I was rabid with joy.
One of the grunts rifled through the provisions Captain had sent me out with, listing them off.
"We found these on him...
One ... good-bye-kitty purse."
"I can explain that!" I tried to speak, but ended up getting smacked on the back of the head with a butt end of a machine gun.
"YOU WILL SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO!"
So much for human compassion.
"One roll of toilet paper, covered entirely with a list of random real and made-up objects."
"That's not mine!" I sputtered, earning another smack.
"One -property of captain- sign with a drawing of a gas-masked individual, found taped to his lower, right back-side"
"Jeez, when did Captain tape that there? Damn it! Will you stop hitting me?" I complained.
“Well... is that all?” Asked the one I took to be the boss.
My belongings were displayed before him.
“No food, no water, just this stuff.” Announced one minion pointing at my worldly possessions of purse, list and sign.
The boss sighed.
“Great. Just another fruitcake. Radiation probably fried his brain.”
“Bwah!? I’m not the crazy one!” I protested.
“Sure you aren’t,” said one of the grunts, laughing.
“So tell me, fruitcake” said the boss, leaning back in his chair,
“Where did you get this fabulous accessory? Why did you carry it on your person? I’ve never met a madman with such chic tastes.” He asked, admiring the purse.
“I don’t know!” I blurted. “The Captain just gave it to me because... he thought it would summon Cancer! ...Not that I think that it will summon anything, but Captain would probably torment me endlessly if I didn't bring it back.”
The entire group just stared at me, digesting my tale.
I realized I wasn’t helping my case.
Suddenly, another grunt dashed out of the hallway, frantically reaching the leader, quickly yet quietly reporting something to him.
"Are you serious?! ...how many? ...a tree made of metal and flesh ...impossible!" I heard parts of their conversation.
“Right,” said the boss, standing.
His group of guards moved to follow.
“Well, I have an urgent matter to deal with. We’ll see if you’re more honest when I return. Cancer summoning purse, my arse! What will they think of next?”
“No, wait!” I yelled after them.
“It says so on the tag! Read the tag, dammit!
Come back! Please let me join your esteemed community! I just want a shower! I'll tell you everything!"
They were gone, leaving me tied to the chair.
As first contacts go, this one could have gone way better.
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5th January 2011