"...Fine dining."I sighed with immense regret, considering the dull feeling of hunger in my stomach.
The incredibly expired can of pineapple slices would not open for me. Not with a tiny wrench, in any case.
"Good hotel amenities are hard to obtain when your status is questionable!" the talking pet rock chimed from my pocket.
"My status is not questionable!" I argued.
"Yes it is. I have a confirmation of such from the bicycle wrench you are holding." The pet rock persisted.
"Let me guess, the wrench is also alive?" I asked.
"Yes." The rock said. "Also, it disapproves of your unlicensed usage of its intended function. It is a bicycle wrench, not a can opener."
"What's it gonna do about it?" I banged the wrench against the pineapple can.
"File a lawsuit against your person." The pet rock chimed. "As useless as it may seem against a questionable user."
"Why is that I can hear you, but not this wrench?" I inquired, wiggling the wrench back and forth.
"Not everything wants to directly communicate with a questionable user, you dolt. What if you give it a virus?" Answered the pocket rock.
I considered throwing the rude pet rock out the window and going downstairs to hang out out with Captain, but then I remembered Captain is a far worse conversationalist than a rock and is probably still taking "A MOST EXTREME BATH!". I am still not sure what was so particularly extreme about it, other than the extreme lack of water.
"...incoming lawsuit: Improper tool operation!" The rock chimed.
"If I had a credit every time someone filed a lawsuit against me..." I started off on a rant about my infinite debt.
"You'd have a whole lot of lawsuits on your hands... and I'm not a very good lawyer, just so you know." the pet rock interrupted me.
"Eh, my clothes made for a pretty good law firm." I spoke, thinking about the Biomatrix. "They even managed to enslave 116 planets, I hear."
"Sure they did, buddy, sure they did." The rock sounded unconvinced.
"Don't believe me?" I raised an eyebrow, considering whether I could tell the story believably. It didn't hold together in any such fashion in my head, sounding like the ramblings of a drunken hobo who just switched his special meds for worse ones.
"Beings from outer space made an evil copy of my underpants and it came back to haunt me as a scarf. The villainous scarf rearranged my organs, made me into a time-traveler and gave me superhuman strength. Also, it grew antlers on my head. Then, a humongous, diamond-shaped flying fortress shredded it with a lightning bolt." Damn it. That doesn't sound very credible.
"My clothes had a DRM virus that spread across the galaxy copyrighting all the things!" I finally outputted.
"Uhuh. Suuuure. That happened." The pet rock continued to mock my inability to tell my story plausibly.
"You know what! You are a dumb talking rock, you don't know nothing!" I replied and angrily stared at the Pineapple can, pondering whether hitting it with my pet rock or dropping it from the top floor window would do the trick.
Hugs and love to all our DELICIOUS PATRONS
Art Director: Vitaly S Alexius
Frame #3 Artist: Allyssa Norton
Ebony & Chico
Oggy & Sol4rplexus (for line ideas)
22nd August 2015
Tagged in Captain Snippy Engie Mug