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NOW CAPTAIN CAN TRAVEL IN UR EARS!
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Auditory-Assistance
 

ENTRY ___22



THE DOWNLOAD FROM THE SHIP ABOUT THE SPECIMEN SUDDENLY INTERRUPTS.
ESSENTIAL INFO IS SUDDENLY ALSO LACKING, FEELING INCOMPLETE.
USELESS, CONFUSING STRANDS OF DATA ARE CRAWLING ALL OVER MY DRIVES.
WHAT AM I TO DO WITH THESE PARAMETERS?
WHAT IS THIS NEW LANGUAGE I AM THINKING IN?
ENGLISH? WHY AM I THINKING IN THIS SPECIMENS' LANGUAGE?

CONCERNING.
I TRY NOT TO GET DISTRACTED.
FOCUS ON TASK: SPECIMEN IS PATIENTLY WAITING FOR DISSECTION.

I CAN’T REMEMBER THE PROPER SPECIMEN DISSECTION PROCEDURE. IN ITS PLACE THERE ARE NOW 8365308 USELESS DATA STRANDS.

I ASK FOR HELP.
THE SHIP’S MIND DOES NOT ANSWER ME. IT IS BORINGLY SILENT.
THINGS ARE NOT LOOKING GOOD. I MUST SHOW SPECIMEN CONFIDENCE.
I TELL IT TO PREPARE FOR DISSECTION AND THAT IT WILL HURT QUITE A BIT.

SPECIMEN CLAIMS TO BE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.
I RESPOND WITH IRONY. THIS WAS NOT PROGRAMMED INTO ME. WHERE DID THE “IRONIC RESPONSE” DATA SOFTWARE COME FROM?

SPECIMEN CLAIMS TO BE AN IMPORTANT RE-POPULATION ELEMENT.

I INSULT THE SPECIMENS' LOOKS. SUCH RUDENESS WAS ALSO NOT PROGRAMMED INTO ME.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?
THE USELESS DATA STRANDS IN MY MIND ARE REPLICATING OUT OF CONTROL. THEY ARE CONSTANTLY TRANSFORMING, MEDDLING WITH SCANNING AND EVALUATION PARAMETERS.
I LOOK AT THE SPECIMEN. THE SPECIMEN WIGGLES ON THE DISSECTION-BED.
THE NEW SCANNER DATA TELLS ME THAT THE SPECIMEN IS A FRUIT.

“WHAT KIND OF A FRUIT ARE YOU?” I ASK THE SPECIMEN.

“What are you implying? I am straight!” THE FRUITY SPECIMEN REPLIES ANGRILY.

“THERE IS A LABEL ON YOUR BOTTOM END THAT SAYS -JUICY-. WHY WOULD THIS LABEL BE THERE IF YOU ARE NOT A FRUIT?”

“What? That’s… uhh... mmm...” THE SPECIMEN DEFENSIVELY MUMBLES SOMETHING INCOHERENT.

THE SCANNER NOW TELLS ME THAT THE SPECIMEN IS _A PEAR.

I TRY TO LOOK UP PROPER PROCEDURE FOR _PEAR DISSECTION. THE NEW DATA INSTRUCTIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

1)Purchase all ingredients from the Good Directorate Supercenter, health-food aisle.

2)In a mixing bowl, whisk together vinegar, G-Dir (c) sweetener, salt, pepper and cinnamon.

3)While whisking, drizzle in oil until combined.

4)In a separate bowl, place celery, apple, and pears.
Pour cinnamon salad dressing over fruits and celery; toss to mix.

5)Serve the fruit salad.

I TELL THE PEAR THAT MY NEW MISSION IS TO MAKE IT INTO AN EXCELLENT SALAD.

“I am not a bloody pear!” THE PEAR YELPS.

“YOU ARE TOO!” I CORRECT IT. THE NEW DATA TELLS ME THAT THE SALAD NEEDS TO HAVE 160 CALORIES IN IT. I TAKE THE PEAR’S MASS INTO CONSIDERATION. THE MASS CALCULATION PROGRAM OUTPUTS THE LETTER “B” FOR INEXPLICABLE REASONS. I RESET THE CALCULATION PROGRAM. IT OUTPUTS AN EVEN MORE UNREASONABLE ANSWER. I SCROLL BACK TO THE FIRST ACTUAL NUMBER.

“YOU WILL BE MADE INTO 160 EXCELLENT SALAD SERVINGS!” I GLEEFULLY NOTIFY THE PEAR.

“I am a human being! I am not a G-DAMN PEAR!” THE PEAR CRIES.

“YOU POOR UNFORTUNATE SOUL, IS BEING HUMAN SOMETHING YOU WISH?” I REPLY EVER SO KINDLY.

“I am already human!” THE PEAR DELUSIONALLY WHINES.

“MY DEAR, SWEET FRUIT. THAT’S WHAT I DO. IT’S WHAT I LIVE FOR.
TO HELP UNFORTUNATE FRUITS, LIKE YOURSELF! POOR SOULS WITH NO ONE ELSE TO TURN TO!”

I SUDDENLY START TO MUSICATE, AS MY LOGIC BOARD OVERHEATS AND CATCHES FIRE.

“I ADMIT THAT IN THE PAST I'VE BEEN A NASTY!
THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY CALLED ME, WELL, A DISSECTION MACHINE!”


“What the hell?” THE FRUIT REPLIES.
IT TRULY NEEDS MY GOOD ADVICE.

“I AM NOT ASKING MUCH, JUST A TOKEN REALLY, A TRIFLE!
WHAT I WANT FROM YOU - IS YOUR VOICE.”


“My voice?!”

“DO YOU WANT TO BE FREE? GO AHEAD: MAKE A CHOICE! I’M A VERY BUSY SLICER AND I HAVEN’T GOT ALL DAY! IT WON’T COST YOU MUCH- JUST YOUR VOICE! SING FOR MEEEEE!”

“What?!”

“SING FOR ME OR I'LL PEEL YOU!”

“Uhhh ahhh ahh uhhh. khkkhk uahhh uhh ahhh.”

“JEEZ, NEVER MIND. THAT WAS TERRIBLE. YOUR SINGING LEAVES MUCH TO BE DESIRED. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER TALENTS YOU'D LIKE TO OFFER ME?”

“Umm... I can quilt.”

“QUILTING... SERIOUSLY? THAT'S A RATHER USELESS TALENT.
YOU'LL NEVER FIND TRUE LOVE THIS WAY!”

I RATTLE, AS 95% OF MY PRIMARY FUNCTIONS AND THE FORCE FIELD THAT WAS HOLDING THE PEAR IN PLACE CRASH AND FAIL DRAMATICALLY.

THE PEAR ROLLS OFF MY DICING TABLE AND FLAPS AWAY.

“REMEMBER THIS!” I CHOKE. “YOU HAVE ONLY 3 DAYS TO KISS THE PRINCESS, OR YOU SHAN'T BE HUMAN ANYMORE!”


...MY OVERWEIGHT PEAR (BADLY DISGUISED AS HUMAN) IS GONE.






Credits



Street Cred for help with journal go to: Summer B.


1st April 2010
 


101 Comments:
 
8 days ago #9222015        

I hate it when my pears look like humans.



20 days ago #9214217        

*GREAT*MENTION*_graphic reference**NICE*MENTION*_text reference*



Zaci

24 M
26 days ago #9208389        

That was hilarious and very juicy. I liked it!



Evo

120 O
11 months ago #8973515        

For the last picture, all I can imagine is:

Captain screaming "YEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAWWWWWW" in a German accent.



11 months ago #8965339        

Hey now I'm sure Mr Snippy could get it...if there are even any women left



iruleZ

17 F
1 year ago #8926933        

I have a feeling that Snippy is attractive. :O
:D



1 year ago #8907295        

RWAAA Riding on a bot!



Takeshi

24 M
1 year ago #8854507        

Would be nice if Captain is a easter egg character in the next Fallout game :D



1 year ago #8827681        

@sergeant Captain is more like asexual or both sex... is made deliberately to be confuse xD



sergeant

20 M
1 year ago #8752531        

aaand, captain to the rescue!
but... is captain a girl?!



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