TEMPORAL CORRECTOR ZERO.
LOG ENTRY _______213.
[ ~ TU DU DU ~ ]
The aggravating chime of the ON mode, rudely woke me up from my relaxing slumber of sweet, sweet nothingness.
Some kind of code was rudely jabbing me awake.
As my processors sufficiently warmed up, I've made sense of the annoying floating letters, formulating them into annoying words.
G: [SYSTEM REPORT:
PROBABILITY PARAMETERS OF SYSTEM CRASH EXCEED FACTOR OF ONE. BE ADVISED. FACTOR OF ONE.
TEMPORAL IMPLOSION IMMINENT. ]
[ Yea, yeah. I got it. I'm awake.
What is it now? ]
G: [ INSURANCE DIRECTOR DEX C. HATCHESON REQUIRES IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE DUE TO: LIVER FAILURE AND DANGER OF CERTAIN SPONTANEOUS DISSASEMBLY. ]
When did he become an insurance director? And why is he getting himself disassembled? If he needed to know what's inside himself so badly, he should have just downloaded the instructions manual.
G: [ C. HATCHENSON BECAME INSURANCE DIRECTOR WHEN WE WERE SCANNING THE SYSTEM FOR FURTHER ERRORS DUE TO THE UNEXPECTED ANNET SHUTDOWN.
THE SHUTDOWN WAS THE CLOSEST WE'VE COME TO LOSING THE UNIVERSE, BUT THANKFULLY COMPLETE FOLDING WAS PREVENTED AND ONLY SECTOR 15 WAS LOST. ]
Ah, right, yes. I prevented full collapse when I chose not to close my apps. The unexpected shutdown sequence was not a nice way to wake up. Why can't I get awakened just once to some positive news?
For example: "Hey, corrector, thanks for your amazing services. The System is running optimally and is predicted to continue to do so."
Is one positively glowing review on the G-workboard too much to ask? Even a single "Thank You" email would be appreciated.
Sadly, it seems when you do things right, people aren't sure you've done anything at all.
Also, disobeying admin commands hurt like hell, but that's the price we must pay to keep the planet spinning. Or not spinning, depending on the local temporal displacement protocol. Stupid Users.
>How can I get a romantic, endless sunset from my office window? [ ▷◉◁ SOURCE LINK ] was a surprisingly common, foolish demand that nearly turned the planet inside out.
...Don't you just hate when people try to break the Universe?
The best I could do back then was to twist the dislocation errors into a mobius strip.
G: [ YES. DISOBEYING ADMIN COMMANDS IS UNPLEASANT. ]
Not as unpleasant as being stuck in a black hole for all of eternity. I hate black holes, you know. They really suck.
G: [ ATTN: SPONTANEOUS DISSASEMBLY OF DEX C. HATCHENSON HAS NOW OCCURRED DUE TO: _GROUND. ]
Humpty dumpty should learn not to jump from walls.
G: [ YOUR CARING FOR USERS IS TOUCHING. ]
If you must know, G, I don't care for Users. I simply... tolerate their presence and fix the universe when it breaks down due to their incompetence. This is the 29th time this cycle when I've had to wake up. How can 4 idiots cause so many system error stacks? First I am told to kill them because they are causing the system to crash and now I have to make sure they don't die? Do you know how annoying that is?
G: [ YOUR TOLERANCE IS MOST HEART-WARMING. ]
You don't even have a heart, G. You are code within quarks... and my heart is made of nanites.
How's our favorite Unscannable User?
G: [ THE UNSCANNABLE SUBJECT IS CURRENTLY... ALIVE.
THE SUBJECT HAS LANDED INTO A SPIDER-WEB. ]
Wasn't he dead and not dead last time?
And now he's alive? How did that happen? Who does that?
Anyway, he can go and make friends with the spider people. They're a friendly bunch. Maybe they won't feed him to their sky gods. Oh who am I kidding, of course they will.
G: [ THE SUBJECT HAS TEMPORARILY GAINED CONTROL OF THEIR UNIFORM PARAMETERS AND VIRAL SUBSYSTEMS.
SECTOR 9 OVERMIND HAS DISABLED THEIR APPS. ]
...Is that bad or Good for us?
G: [ UNCERTAIN. UNSCANNABLE SUBJECT PRESENTS A DIFFICULT TEMPORAL LOOP PROBLEM.
HOPEFULLY IT WILL RESOLVE ITSELF IN DUE TIME.
INTERFERENCE IS INADVISABLE. BREAKING THE LOOP IS LIKELY TO CAUSE IMPROBABLE RESULTS. ]
I do like problems that resolve themselves.
I don't like improbable results. Captain is one of these "results".
Do you know what it's like to resolve improbable problems for eternity, G? Well do you? Of course you don't, your job doesn't involves fixing the universe every time it breaks itself.
G: [ I HAVE AN IMPORTANT JOB OF ASSESSING PLANETARY... ]
All you do is process the code and occasionally prod others to get things done. Like, prodding a broken Dex to be our Insurance Director. He should be receiving his disability pension and unemployment benefits in the housing projects, not being an Insurance Director!
Seriously, why would you do that? What's wrong with you? Who hires an impaired DEX to be a Systems Director? Did you post ads on G-work board? Did you even do an interview round?
G: [ THE OTHER CANDIDATES WERE DEAD. ]
Yeah, and now this one is nearly dead. His first act as Insurance Director was to set himself on fire and plummet from the sky.
Very productive, G. Very impressive.
What a brief, but flashy career path.
Anyway, being dead is not an excuse. After all, we have many dead directors and nobody cares. Bureaucracy is far more effective when everyone's dead, you know.
What's your next amazing decision, G? Making the Unscannable into a Director of Human resources? Who would he even manage? Himself?
Do you know how many reports I have to file every time I correct the Universe?
G: [ I DO. I PROCESS THOSE REPORTS. ]
I sighed and stared at the G-code. The code looked somehow annoyed with me, as if it had feelings.
This was of course ridiculous.
Why am I talking to a glorified accountant?
I should get out more and find better friends than this.
I considered my current options. Everyone on the planet was either an expired piece of software, an idiot, an error that had no reasonable excuse to exist, or dead. Falling through the clouds, I grew a pointless number of wings to make myself feel better. It didn't help.
Somewhere far below, Christophorus was powering down, his vital functions crashing.
Doing nothing is always easy, but we aren't born into such freedoms and luxuries, we're born to do our jobs, no matter how pointless such flailing of wings might be in the long run.
After all, the Universe will end. Molecules will stop vibrating. Entropy will devour stars and nothing will remain with the exception of a single, super-massive black hole that would restart the cycle by imploding in on itself.
I would know. I was there.
Hugs and love to all our DELICIOUS PATRONS
Art Director: Vitaly S Alexius
Assisting Illustrator: Detkef
Studio modeling: Ze Intern
Street cred to:
Sol4rplexus & Bianca G
for journal brainstorming
13th February 2015
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