YOU THERE! TAKE US ON A TOUR-DE-FRANCE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY!
Captain banged on the window of the rusted-up tour-bus.
"Tour-de-france was a bicycle race event, not a tour of France... and that tour-bus has been dead for at least a decade if not two." I pointed out.
"THE BUS-FRIEND SAYS HER TOUR-ANNOUNCER-ENTERTAINER REGISTRY HUMAN IS NOT PRESENTLY HERES AND TOURS AREN'T LEGALLY ALLOUOUWED TO BE INITIATED WITHOUT SUCH." Pilot suddenly chimed in.
"DO ASK THE VEHICULAR AUTOMATON, WHERE THE GUIDE IS THEN?" Captain turned towards Pilot.
Pilot stared at the bus and made a series of waving motions with his arms, intermittently turning towards Captain.
"THE BUS-FRIEND SAYS HER HUMAN FELL ASLEEP LONG, LONG AGO AND NO AMOUNTS OF HOT COFFES HAS BEEN ABLE TO KEEP HIM AWAKES!"
"AH! SUCH IS LIFE IN THE PROVINCES! THE GUIDE-BOOB IS ALWAYS ASLEEP WHEN THERE IS TOURISTS TO BE SERVICED!"
"DEAR BUS FRIEND, ARE THERE NON-ASLEEP GUIDES IN THIS VICSINITEEY THAT CAN AID OUR TOURISTY-NESS CAUSES? UH-HUH. YOU DON'T SAY?"
Pilot turned towards me, tilting his head 30 degrees as if examining me all over again. "SNIPPEEY, HOW COMES YOU NO TELL-S MEEE-S YOU ARE AN OFFICIALLY LICENSED TOUR-GUIDE? OH MY..."
"ZAT IS MOST EXCELLENT NEWS! SNIPPY, YOU MUST USE YOUR LICENSED TALENTS TO AID OUR QUEST OF DISCOVERY!" Captain interrupted Pilot, turning my way.
"How? What?" I stuttered. Who told Pilot that I was a Dead Zone Tour Guide?
I stared at the bus. But that can't be possible. Can it? I then stared at Pilot suspiciously. Did he somehow manage to miraculously remember things about me from his time with the Neural Interface (before I smashed it to bits)?
"SNIPPS, I'M NOT SURE THAT THE FRENCH-BUS-LADY APPROVES OF YOUR PERSONALITY... PLUS YOU SURES HAVE LOTS OF PARKING TICKETS ATTACHED TO YOUR NAME. SHE THINKS YOU HAVE MUCH DISREGARD FOR VEHICULAR MOBILES.
LIEK SERIOUSLEY, WHO JUST GOES AND LEAVEES THEIR TOUR-TANK ILLEGALLY PARKED IN THE DEFORMED PERSONS PARKING SPACE AND HALFWAY ON THE SIDEWALK FOR A YEAR?" Pilot clicked.
"BY ORDER OF THE HIGH-GOVERNOR OF CAPTANIA, I HEREBY DISSOLVE THE PARKING TICKET CHARGES, SO THAT WE MAY PROCEED." Captain waved at the sky.
"CAPTAIN, YOU ARE MUCHLY TOO GENEROUS!" Pilot proclaimed. "SURELEY SNIPS DESERVES NOT SUCH TALL GENEROUCITIES, FOR HIS ATROCIOUS PARKING SKILLS LEAVE MUCH TO BE DESIRED. HOW ABOUT RETRACTION OF ONLY HALF HIS PARKING TICKETS TO TEACH HIM A LESSONS?"
"FINE, FINE. NOW, YOU, GET IN THE BUS." Captain poked at me.
"What? But..." I protested as Captain grabbed my hand and pulled.
In the meanwhile, Pilot pushed the doors of the tour-bus open. The semi-decayed doors protested by croaking loudly. Left door-frame fractured into shards of metal and plastic as Pilot shoved it aside.
. . .
We were now sitting on the open deck of the dead tour-bus. Snow covered seats crunched under Captain and Pilot as they sat down, after shoving Engie's limp body across another row of seats.
"WELL GO ON THEN!" Captain's lenses glittered my way.
"Uhmmm" I answered, not sure what to do.
"REGALE US WITH MARVELOUS TIME-WORN TALES OF OLD PARIS AS WE PASS BY ITS VARIOUS SCENERIES!" Captain demanded.
I looked around. "Hmmm... Khmm... and on the right side you can see the Eiffel tower. It was built in... umm... 19th century... I think... by the united league of nations."
"SILLY SNIPPY, YOUR FACTS ARE SIDEWAYS. EVERBODEEE KNOWS MR EIFFEL DESIGNED AND ERECTED IT!" Pilot articulated.
I was about to say "Why don't you come up here and be the guide?" when Captain shushed Pilot and stated: "DON'T INTERRUPT THE OFFICIAL TOUR-GUIDE, HIS FACTS MAY BE WRONG BUT HIS DEGREE IS RIGHT!"
I sighed and went on explaining "the wondrous history of Paris-land" just as I poorly remembered it from history class (having slept through most of it).