The thundery voice of captain awoke me. I instinctively reached for my gun. It wasn't where I left it. G-Damn it.
I turned left and fell off the makeshift bed which was really a table with a bunch of old newspapers piled on top.
I looked under the table just in case. There was nothing there, but broken glass, dust and some kind of 15 eyed black thing which stared at me inquisitively and then vanished when I blinked.
I emerged from my makeshift bedroom to be greeted by a view of Captain and Engie.
"GOOT MORNING, JIGGLY MINIONS! RISE AND SHINE!" Captain boomed.
"Where's my gun?" I asked.
"DO YOU FIND YOURSELF TIRED OF WINTER?" Captain ignored my question, by shouting something completely irrelevant as usual.
"No, seriously, what did you do with it this time?" I demanded.
"A NEW, GLORIOUS MISSION AWAITS!" Captain concluded.
"Let me guess... Snippy, your gun has grown legs and now it is your job to fetch it from the cone-hive of the giant ants?" I said, grumpily. "Or... maybe... you've traded my gun for a jar of pickles from a mysterious dark hole, because your sandwich didn't have enough flack?"
"WHILE THOSE ARE ALL EXCELLENT IDEAS THAT COULD BE IMPLEMENTED IN THE FUTURE, THE ANSWER TO THAT AWAITS YOU BOTH OUTSIDE." Captain waved at me and marched downstairs.
I looked at Engie "What did he take from you?"
Engie made a grumpy "hrmpf" noise.
"Was it your voice? Is there some reason that you're scared of talking to me?" I asked.
Engie walked away from me, following Captain downstairs.
"Fine, I see how it's going to be!" I loudly complained.
Strong wind howled from outside and sprinkled me with snow from numerous broken windows.
"WHILE WE ARE SAVING QUITE A BIT OF MONEY ON FRIDGES, THE HEATING BILLS ARE TOO HIGH FOR MY LIKING." Captain waved a piece of paper at me that looked like some kind of a 40 year old bill.
"Old heating bills? Is this why I'm freezing my butt of out here?" I asked, shivering. The temperature outside was rather unpleasant today and the strong wind was seeping right through my fire-proof Directorate jacket.
"LEARN TO ENJOY THE TIDINGS OF WINTER WHILE THEY LAST, MR SNIPPEY!" Captain proclaimed. "ICE SKATING, SKIING, SNOWBOARDING, BUILDING SNOW ANGELS, HAVING SNOW-BALL FIGHTS. SOON YOU WILL BE MISSING THEMS!"
"Why would I be missing them?" I suspiciously asked. "Are you planning to ducktape my arms? Or... Are you planning to ducktape this idiot to my back for purposes of creating a human centipede?" I pointed at Engie.
Engie twitched a little at the words "human centipede".
"Millipede! Nests of Man-eating-Spiders! Ebola!" I shouted at Engie in hopes of breaking his silent treatment of me.
It didn't work as advertised. Engie merely whimpered and slowly backed away from me, trying to put Captain in between us. Really, I don't know what I expected.
"Gun. Where?" I sternly looked at Captain, trying to simplify my demands.
Captain pointed at the sky. I looked up at the sky. There was nothing but snow there, lots and lots of snow, twirling in patterns and descending on my lenses.
"Was something up there or are you playing that point at nothing game again...?" I looked at Captain.
Captain held out a snow shovel and a trowel.
I ignored the inexplicable appearance of these items and simply exasperatedly asked: "Why?"
"BEHOLD, YOUR WEAPONS!" Captain extended his arms with the trowel facing me and the snow shovel facing Engie.
I immediately took the trowel from Captain, only because when Captain gives you something you better take it, otherwise it'll end up being ducktaped to your head in the morning the next day. Engie did not know this important lesson, so he stupidly stared at the snow shovel.
Captain waved the arm with the snow shovel at Engie.
"GO AHEAD! IT DOES NOT BITE. NOT UNLESS YOU BITE IT FIRST!"
Engie twitched twice at the words "BITE", refusing to accept the shovel.
"SNIPPEY, EXPLAIN TO HIM THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF COMMAND" Captain looked at me.
I didn't know what the first principle was, since this is the first time such term was used with me, so I simply said "If you don't take the shovel now, you'll probably end up with another bucket super-glued to your head and this time it will be full of brain-eating worms."
Engie grabbed at the shovel as if he was drowning at sea and it was a life-saving rope.
"BE IN THE DEBRIEFING ROOM IN ONE HOUR FOR OPERATION: WINTER WRAP UP!" Captain stated, taking two large steps backwards so smoothly as if marching backwards was the most natural thing to do.
I stared at Engie who was tightly gripping his shovel.
Captain had already vanished in the snow-storm by taking two more steps backwards faster than I could blink.
The location of the debriefing room was not specified.