Who is Zee Captain? Let me tell you all about Captain.
...Where to begin?
Well, this morning Captain discovered a pair of old Binoculars and dedicated the entire morning to the "FINE ART OF OGLING LADIES". Finding non-expired, non-radioactive food? No! Ogling ladies for hours on end is definitely far more important an objective than survival! At first I tried to argue, but when Captain handed me a binder entitled "GENTLEMEN'S RULES OF OGLING" I decided to deal with the situation with sarcasm.
I looked inside the binder and, of course, inside was glued a piece of paper with the following:
STEP I: WEAR YOUR FANCIEST WHITE TOP AND PANTALOONS
STEP II. ACQUIRE BINOCULAR DEVICE
STEP III. LOCATE OBJECT OF OGLING
STEP IV. OGLE
STEP V. MAKE APPROPRIATE GENTLEMANLY COMMENTARY TO YOUR LADY OF DESIRE
STEP VI. DISREGARD INSOLENT DISTRACTIONS
Where Captain keeps the antique typewriter that types only in fancy, squiggly capitals, I may never find out.
After many hours of watching Captain talk to the Billboard lady, I mentioned, "That isn't even a real human being, you know. You're talking to a drawing. She can't answer you."
To my remark Captain responded, "HMM... ZAT IS INDEED A DIS-PROPORTIONAL PICKLE REQUIRING RESOLUTIONS. HOOMAN ELEMENT YOU SAY? SUCH IS TO BE PROCURED IMMEDIATELY!"
Upon this, the BINOCULAR DEVICE turned slowly 180 degrees and rested pointing straight at me. I wondered how long Captain was going to stare at me like that, and whether this was, to either of us, an improvement over the previous situation.
"M'YEES... THAT'LL DO..."
was the last thing I heard before something like a sack of rock-hard potatoes hit me on the back of the head and all went dark.
I woke up in a hideously uncomfortable vertical position, tied to the billboard. Half of my view was obscured by a pink wig. The rest of my view was of buildings, stormy clouds and the icy ground far below.
"Awgh, come on!" I coughed out, trying to shake the dratted wig off my head.
Far off in the distance, I saw a glint of purple-tinted binoculars. I heard Captain shout something towards me that sounded like "IZ ZAT BETTER?"
"Damn you!" I swore under my breath, forcefully trying to wiggle out of my bonds, but lets just say this was a horrible idea. My wiggling had not broken the ropes, but in fact had caused the billboard's rusty beam supports to come apart.
Then, the whole structure started to collapse. With a dreadful screech, the billboard, along with my person, detached itself from the metal framework and plummeted downwards.
I lost count of how many times up became down as the billboard flipped and flopped, falling, catching on numerous balconies, twisting, shaking and losing jagged pieces of metal and plastic.
I saw the ground closing in.
As I was about ready to meet a very tragic end with potential splattering and bone breaking consequences, the billboard crashed into another balcony and suddenly turned flat, gliding in the air. There was no more crashing noise, only the hiss of the wind.
I figured the board must have caught an updraft of air, turning it into a massive kite. I saw the sky sailing above me for a moment, before the billboard smashed into the ground, digging into the ice, severing the ropes and flinging me out into a snow-bank.
Making a snow-angel as I tried to get up, but failing due to dizziness, I saw Captain's figure standing over me.
"NINE POINTS" it spoke.
"What's wrong with you!?" I shouted "Why would you...?"
"YOU LOST ONE POINT FOR NOT SMILING ON YOUR 6TH FLIP" Captain answered:
"GRUMPY ATHLETES GET SECOND PLACE, YOU KNOW!"
I didn't know whether to strangle Captain or to laugh. I chose the latter, because... why not. In a radioactive world where you have nothing to lose or to gain, where your home usually has no roof above it, being a human kite is sort of... maybe just a tiny bit... amusing?
Moral of the day is that I definitely learned NOT to poke fun at Captain's conversations with inanimate objects.